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Monday, March 19, 2018

kind of explaining but i'm half asleep now

Hi, I'm back with another post on my blog-with-a-misleading-name! :-)

I still have to fully read and reply to what you guys had to say (left comments? ahh, my heart :") <3).

I feel like posting another post at midnight on a Monday.

Me @ at any and all times: Why are you like this? Stop being like That. *disgusted shrugging noises*

Shoot, what was I gonna say......

. . . . .

Well umm, I woke up earlier than the time I wake up for school yesterday (on Sunday) for no reason. So that was.. something.

I swear I can't stay asleep for more than 5 or 6 hours straight without waking up. I can't bring myself to sleep a full 8 hours without waking up at least once in the middle of it.

Haha, my sleep.. out of wack. My health.. out of wack. It's bad lmao.

Last week, I felt such an intense aching sadness. It wouldn't go away. Like yeah, I always am sad to some extent, but this time it felt so physical. Which was weird. It hurt a lot. I also felt like I needed to cry, but I couldn't. I feel like the slightest thing someone says to me will make me cry, but it's also hard for me to actually cry. It's like I cry in my head and sometimes forget that I'm not actually physically crying where other people can see my tears.

Want to know who's my lifesaver? My cat is, lol. Thelma. Man, I love her so much.

One thing I like about my voice is that I can make myself sound exactly like a distressed crying kitten. So when I feel very sad and hurt, I meow like a crying cat, and Thelma comes right up to me. Well, that's only when we're in my room. And she just makes me feel so much better.

My family is sometimes joking about whether to train her to be a therapy cat, and I'm thinking that she's my personal therapy cat. I honestly think she's saved me from harming myself many times now.

So when I meow, she comes right up to me and starts rubbing her face or headbutting my face. And she purrs very loudly when doing that. And sometimes it sounds like she's chirping when she does that. And it's just so cute.

Like I could be thinking pretty graphic and disturbing things, and then just feeling her hit me with her face and those whiskers while she's purring, and I ttemporarily stop thinking about those bad thoughts and then I actually start laughing. Because, idk lol, it's funny how I can fool my cat into thinking I'm also a cat. And she's just repeatedly headbutting me. And her whiskers are ticklish. And she's so small and warm and fluffy.

I love my cat so much, and she's one thing that keeps me alive. ;v;

As for why I hate my voice, it's just that I literally can never know what I sound like when other people hear me. How I hear my voice in my head is so, so, so different (and better) than how I hear it after I play a recording with my voice. And honestly, I feel so disconnected from hearing my voice on recordings. I can't believe I sound like that to other people. I don't know anyone who has a voice even close to what mine sounds like, and it bothers me so much. I don't even sound like my family, ugh.

I can't know if my voice is too high or too flat when talking to other people. And it annoys me so much. I constantly feel like people think I'm weird or have things wrong with me due to how I sound. And I don't even know what I sound like to other people unless I'm hearing a recording of my voice. Because, I hear my voice sounding so vastly different than how other people hear it. And it makes me feel so disconnected, it hurts.

I bet to other people I sound like a freaking 8 year old when I talk. So that's why I refuse to talk a lot irl. And just thinking about how my voice sounds when I'm yelling and swearing.. yikes. I just want to sound like any other 17 year old where I'm from. Is that too much to ask for?

I have some poems, I just haven't had the confidence to post them online. I don't know if they're any good. So .. yeah.

Sometimes when I'm typing up posts and then reading them later, I feel like I've gotten drunk. Drunk on the words I've written. Drunk on poetry. Writing is like a drug.

That probably sounds like gibberish, and it probably is. Drunk on poetry.. is that a saying? I feel like it is.

As for why I feel uncomfortable with my arms, it's because they're so skinny and I feel inadequate about my body. So, heh, yeah.

For the past week, I've had these fading cat scratches along on my inner right forearm (the side the palm of my hand is on). They're basically gone by now, and only a faint trace of them ever being there is, well, still there. And like, that's no big deal. My cats end up hitting me with their sharp claws pretty often. It doesn't even hurt (until I notice that they actually made me bleed, smh). And again, this happens a lot.

But for some reason (tw?) my disturbing self destructive hell thoughts keep on looking down at these fading cat scratches on my arm and imagining them fully back and bleeding. So then there I am staring at my inner forearm and imagining it being covered in horizontal scratches just like the scratches my cats left me. But my mind is imagining the scratches being everywhere until my forearm is covered in horizontal scratches.

And.. yeah.. scary. Scary to think about that. I don't know. I keep on looking at that part of my arm (the same goes for my left arm) and having to reassure myself that I have no new scratches and that it doesn't look (or did) self harm (I never even did that anyways, so who the heck knows why I'm suddenly thinking it?).

Oh and one reason I've been wondering if anyone comments anymore is because I want to know if people still read my posts. I know I've gone through with doing that in s dramatic way, and I'm sorry.

I want to post more story content, and I'm paranoid that nobody is interested in what I write. I also have this short story with different characters in it, and I want to know what you guys think of it. It was for a school assignment, but now I keep on thinking of those characters and want to draw them.

I want people online to read it, despite my writing being pretty bad. ^-^"

I also felt sad and annoyed that no one left any questions/thoughts about the several posts I made about Fierdan and Duke in future chapters. Especially about Duke. I made so many posts about him. Getting no questions or opinions about that stuff hurt my feelings a little.

It's okay though. I guess it's hard to come up with what to say. I throw so many different things at you in a single post, so you're probably overwhelmed with what to comment about.

I want to feel less lonely and not think that this blog isn't read by others anymore. I guess I'm an attention seeker then.. heh.

And then there's my chronic feelings of guilt/shame that seem to never fully go away. And there's my fear for the future. To put it short, I really don't know if I'm making the right decision to go into a certain major/career path in college. I'm so scared that I'm trying to make a fantasy dream of mine a reality, and that I'll never make it and be good enough for myself and anyone.

I'm so terrified. Then add student loans and just being a college student in general and then having to get a job.. and I'm so freaking scared all the freaking time. And it makes me feel like I'm wasting so much money and for what? My parents already spent so much money on me. And that's also why I'm so hesitant on telling them how bad my mental health has gotten and that maybe my brother was right and that I need therapy. But unlike what he said, I think I need it to help with other things too. And that "social anxiety" isn't just a vague term and that I bet it's a disorder when it comes to me because it's negatively affecting my life to such an extent. And I could say the same about depression. But doctor appointments and therapists are expensive, and I feel even more guilty if I have to make my parents spend even more money on me even though getting therapy and maybe even medication (Kombucha isn't medication, fam) could improve my life and that I can maybe function better. And I feel so bad and think of suicide whenever inconveniences come up, and this is such a poor way of living. Geez.. that was a lot thrown out at you, sorry about that. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm a freaking mess.

And I'm also scared of doctors. And I keep on invalidating that hey maybe I have depression or at least dysthymia (I've been feeling this way since the 10th grade to this low extent and I've been feeling like that earlier too but not as extremely bad) so it's been two years at least. And I have frequent suicidal ideation, so maybe yeah I should get help before I think of making that passive into active. And I already know ways of which I could try and die. I've been thinking about it for that much already, and with the stresses of college I know those thoughts will only multiply if I don't seek help other than things I read and listen to online. I regret how I was in my rare genuine happy moods when my doctor asked if I think I have depression and anxiety. I could be somewhere better if I said the truth, but doctors scare me and I don't want to make my family worry about me.

.... I don't know what I'm even saying here anymore.

I probably have some typos here. I'm too lazy to check. I hate seeing typos. They bother me so much.

I just want to have people tell me I have a right to living a future, and believe it.

Dang, am I forgetting to mention something? I don't know.

Well, I'll just end the post here. It's already long. And it's nearly 1 am.

Yeah. Bye.

~ Cutepups

Sunday, March 18, 2018

foo fool

Embarrassment compilation of me playing daily since birth. It don't stop for nobody. Embarrassing moments never quit.

They're eating me alive, and my mere existence is an embarrassment compilation. The series never ends, aha aaaahhh.

Yet again, I feel bad for how I worded things in my last post. (whydon'tyoustraightupkillmewhilewe'reatithuh)

I know I've been getting comments and attention on other sites I'm active on (aka deviantart and tumblr), and yeah, I appreciate the people being nice to me on there. It's just that I meant to say I miss the attention this blog used to get back in the day. I miss getting comments from several people.

And now everything involving Blogger is like, ehhhh. And it makes me sad. :(

Sometimes I think of adding more polls and trying new things on here, but when it feels like no one's there, I don't see the point in doing that. I mean, I only get one person voting on the last few polls I did. So I don't see the point in adding more if I'll only be disappointed again.

And like.. a lot of stuff I post on here are things I don't post anywhere else. I've let it sink in my mind that this place (with how dead of a social place it's been for the past year or two) is my thoughts journal. I don't post about my thoughts and feelings as frequently or as deeply in other places as I do on here. So I still feel empty when people who used to love this blog leave one day and never come back. Or people just quit visiting here because, idk, Blogger is boring. I know what I do isn't really blogging anymore, but I like typing down my thoughts on here.

Maybe I like the privacy of posting on here, and that's why I never quit.

I want more then just one (saying two or three is a stretch) person to be interested in my stories and characters. And how I'm doing. And wanting to know if I'm okay or not.

I don't know. I miss a lot of people. This place feels like a dead zone. It feels like everyone died. Or maybe I'm the one who died since I feel so empty and disconnected nearly all the time now. Since I'm a ghost.

I hate feeling that whenever I post or even just talk about something I'm interested in, that everyone dismisses it as being stupid or they just don't care about it. I hate when I'm passionate about something that's important to me, but only being dismissed that I shouldn't be because it's only fiction. Like, haha, I'm sorry that fictional stuff feels like the only thing that's keeping me alive nowadays because yeah I still feel like hey maybe it'll be better for me and everyone if I'm dead.

And I know I must be selfish for wanting to also get comments on here when I get asks on tumblr sometimes. But tumblr isn't here. I usually don't post about personal things on tumblr.

I'm an asshole. I get that.

I feel stupid around 97+% of the time I'm awake, but get off I guess. I'm paranoid that when no one tells me anything that they're thinking I'm stupid and laughing about me behind my back when I'm not trying to be funny, but get off I guess. I hate nearly everything about me, but get off I guess.


Why foo fool? Well, several hours ago, my mom showed me that she still gets billed from this online game I haven't played since very early 2013.

And you would think it would stop billing my mom's credit card since I haven't played the game in around five years, right?

Apparently not. I had to log in to my old account and deactivate my account so my mom wouldn't keep on being billed by it.

And it was so embarrassing. I didn't remember playing the game at all (shows how bad my memory is lol).

Thankfully, it asked for my email when I logged in, so I just put in that. And the password was so simple (yikes).

The game was Foopets, by the way. I really thought I blogged about it on here when I first started blogging but I guess I didn't. I couldn't find any posts about it, anyways.

I even had put my real name in the public about part. And I sounded so cringey. Everything about me from back then was just pure cringe. (iwanttodie)

I had a Dalmatian named Dottie. I took so many pictures of her in the game. I titled the pictures the stupidest things. (i'mdyingplshelpmelmao)

I really thought I blogged about Foopets, but I guess I did not. (whattheheck)

I am so embarrassed. 2012 and early 2013 me are complete strangers to the current me. I don't know her. She died a long time ago. Wow, my memory is getting bad. I didn't even remember I had an account to that game.

I got the Foopets account before I even started getting really interested in playing AJ. That's how old it is. (jfci'mcrying)

Oh and my username was about puppies and had 522 in it. Just like my AJ username (cutepups522). Except it wasn't cutepups, it was something even dumber than that.

I identify as an embarrassment. People sigh and are disappointed in me almost every day. I don't know why I'm still alive. :-}

To be honest, I really miss being able to log onto AJ. I miss that Animal Jams game. :(

I'm a f_cking fool.

A fvcking fool.

Foo foo the fool.

And yes, I have poem ideas. I just need motivation to write them. With nobody showing interest in my posts, I don't really get more motivation.

I'm too tired to give myself motivation. Come on now, we.'ve been through this. I'm a let down who depends on other people for validation.

I'm also feeling so empty and sad. I'm so sad, wtf.

Hi, I'm sad. :-{

Living is pain. ;-]

It's impossible for me to not hate myself. I don't feel like going into details because hey, nobody gives a sh¡t.

I can't even do basic tasks correctly. And being 17 and nearly 18 while surrounded by people younger than me who can do the tasks very easily is killing me and tearing my fragile self esteem to shreds.

That's all I'll say about it.

I'm bitter? No kidding. Of course I'm bitter. Try being me and being in my body and having my thoughts, and let's see how it's impossible to not hate myself despite how much I've been trying to be more self compassionate to myself.

Maybe I just want to not exist anymore because there's no hope in life realistically getting better. Maybe I don't want to be saved. Maybe I just don't see the point in waking up day after day to the same boring sh¡t cycle of everyday life. Change isn't always better. It's usually not.

I'm so tired of trying. I don't see the point in things ever getting better, and being an adult would be a lot more sh¡ttier than how life is now.

I'm so tired of wasting my life, but I also don't have enough energy to actually go and do something new and exciting.

I hate my voice. I hate it so much. I hate my arms, too. I hate whatever my personality is. I hate how I can't even function as a "normal" 17 year old correctly. I hate how I keep on messing up and can't do anything right.

I hate being so sensitive. I hate how even hearing people just talk about heat and hot weather and high degrees in regards to temperature is basically a trigger for me and basically causes me to have panic attacks. I hate how it leaves me feeling like something lit my internal organs on fire and that I'm suffocating, but I'm too afraid to show it because I hate being noticed in public like that. I hate suffering in silence. I hate how much hearing others talk about hot weather and even just the sun and sun tans makes my body hurt so much. Like.. hearing others talk about heat descriptively? What kind of trigger is that? How does hot weather and the sun and tans cause you to hurt that much that it makes your stomach feel nauseous and your arms and legs to start shaking, Cutepups? How abnormal are you, Cutepups? You're a fvck up.

"Fire is a sign of my suffocation." Burning hurts. Even when there was no match to ignite the internal fire within me to begin with.

"Think positively!" Yeah right. That's so easy. Not thinking how much easier it'll be if I just die now than having to live another week. That'll suddenly just go away, huh? But it won't. It doesn't work that way.

Oh and I know my story is stupid. I don't know why I think I can change it to make it better. It's so bad. Everything about it sucks, so who am I kidding? Myself?

I know I'll just be suffering even more in the future.

Eww, I'm turning this into a pity party. Okay, but maybe I'll cry if I want to.

And yeah, I was referencing something just then. I am s crybaby and a pitiful person, anyways.

Duke cries a lot in the story. You could say he's a crybaby. But who's the real crybaby here? Me. I'm the crybaby. Even the smallest, most subtle hints of rejection and disappointment make me want to cry. It takes so much to hold it in and not cry.

Sometimes I think I can even physically feel serotonin leave my brain. But of course it doesn't work like that.

My head hurts. My eyes are burning. My stomach feels all twisted.

Okay, I'm done.


Friday, March 16, 2018

still nothing

Huh, what did I expect? Pfft.

Still no comments. Well.. heh.. ok then. Ok.

No one really uses Blogger anymore. What was I expecting? A comment? lol that's funny.

So anyway, I was suddenly thinking of the band, Sleeping With Sirens, today, and then later I was thinking of a post in December 2015 where I put in one of their songs. And I was all like, "don't comment just leave me alone." Uh, is this why no one comments anymore? Because I once told everyone to stop commenting? Like, hello?? Anyone there??

*screams into the dark abyss of loneliness*

I might write some sad bad poetry this weekend. I don't know for sure. I have low motivation for everything in my life except thinking of my OCs and reading way better stories over on deviantart.

School makes Fridays suck. School sucks. Bad day today, and I hate myself.

(eww @ me)

Can someone please kill my thoughts? Thanks.

(gets no comments but almost 20 pageviews per post)

Fine, ok, I'll have to do this myself. Of course.

_-•o*~>_/-+•<.•*-\~-_ error /•-\___*./'-

ah, f_ck it.

• _ •


[[i'm the error]]

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I'm a wreck, haven't you heard?


I usually don't type up posts at this time of day, but I really feel like posting now. Ever since I woke up for school yesterday morning, I've been feeling bad for what I said on my previous post. But I didn't feel motivated enough to type up a post then. Well, now I do.

Oh and sorry in advance for any typos I might make here. I hate how I can't just go in and easily edit my posts anymore. It's an inconvenience, alright.

I'm sorry. I was being petty and bitter in my last post. Ever since I read over what I wrote basically, I've been feeling awful for what I said. So again, I'm sorry.

I bet (and if this isn't true, then please give a sign?) that only two actual people visit my blog (this is it) and actually read my posts. Lately, it feels like only one person still visits here. But I don't know for sure.

I feel a little bad for putting pressure on just one or two people to constantly comment on my posts. And that brings me to my next point.

This blogging community (idk how else to word it but I mean myself and my viewers/commenters) has felt so lonely lately. Well, for a long time. And if there's only one or two people actually viewing my blog, then yeah, I guess it'll be harder to find the point in leaving a comment. And let's be honest, my replies to comments are usually bad. Like, very bad. So, like, why would anyone be interested in commenting?

And I hate feeling this chronic loneliness whenever I go on here. Maybe I should just quit, but I feel worse when I think about leaving. This loneliness is painful. I feel bad since I think I'm using you (whoever might read this).

Not getting any comments (any feedback, any opinions, any questions.. about anything- myself, my story, my characters, how I'm feeling/doing, etc.) seriously makes me feel inadequate and that nobody cares since nobody regularly comments.

(Btw I know Applestorm has left a few comments these past few weeks, and I really do appreciate and feel a little better after receiving them. But.. umm..)

I miss the ways that things were in the past. I miss the (though cringey) enthusiastic titles I put as my post titles. It makes me think of the times when I started blogging, and I wasn't metaphorically drowning myself in melancholy and depressive thoughts/behaviors.

To be honest, I think my memory is going a little bad. I had to play memory games in my psych class a few months ago, and I think I did badly on this one in particular. It should've been easy for me to remember a lot more of the list, but I just couldn't. But it could just be me being sleep deprived and tired since it's my first class of the day. And it honestly makes me so sad and empty that I can barely remember how I was and how I acted and how I thought before I turned 11 or 12. Maybe 13 or 14. Eh.. around that age range. I really don't remember much about me from before then. And the parts I do remember are the parts that are bad and made/make feel like an incompetent piece of garbage. I can really only remember the details of my past that are from my bad experiences. It's so freaking sad that I find it so hard to remember anything good that happened to me. And I don't know if I'm pushing this too far, but since I have difficulty remembering anything before age 14, I feel like I've been swallowed up by this disease (that's basically like chronic anxiety and depression) until that's the only part of my identity that I have today. I can't remember anything good, and it's killing me.

When I first started blogging, I don't think I was beginning to get deep into something like anxiety and/or depression (the kind where it seriously impacts your quality of life and your perception of yourself). So I was like, idk, "haha lol XD bruh *keyboard faces*." Maybe that was what made me a more interesting person and blogger? I'm not sure. Because back then, I got several different comments from several different people. And to me they all seemed really interested in what I had to say.

Well, my point is.. I really miss all that. I miss knowing when people were interested in my posts, and when they commented their excitement and thoughts. It makes me think that I had a close community of people who cared about me. Now that that's basically gone, I feel like nobody comes on here anymore or cares enough about me. It makes me feel even more inadequate and worthless about myself.

And so for the past several months, I've been thinking of this blog as being a personal online journal for myself. This blog being a place for me to record and collect my thoughts.

I feel both more and less judged when I post now. It's not like a group of people are commenting anymore. So I'm like, "eh, I'll post about whatever I want then."

Leaving comments leaves me validation. Without that, I begin to feel invalid.

Anyway, moving on now.. *ahem*.

I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up. I feel like including songs I've recently found into my posts. Songs that fit a particular mood or set of moods of how I'm feeling and how I want the posts to "sound" like.

Here are the songs for this post:

Me And My Friends Are Lonely~ Matt Maeson 

Inner Demons~ Julia Brennan 


I'm a wreck. A self destructive catastrophe. 

Haven't you heard? 

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I've been up since. 

I've been feeling intense sadness all day. I don't even know why. Earlier, it felt like I was on the verge of tears. 

My body was physically hurting before, but now the pain has subsided. 

It was snowing this morning. It stopped. 

There's too much snow here. I'm tired of the cold. 

I don't know if I want to continue this post anymore. 

Maybe Fierdan and Duke having trouble sleeping and having frequent nightmares is a representation of myself. I don't like being completely alone with my thoughts. I always need a distraction. If not, I think I'll crash and burn. I have some trouble sleeping. I get bad dreams sometimes. 

I talk about them and skits so much because they're my distraction. One of many, but one of the few that's personally mine. I can't deal with myself, so I'm constantly thinking about them and their lives instead. 

I really can't stand myself. 

In my psych class today, we were learning about self esteem. 

That reminded me how low and messed up mine is. 

To other people who probably don't know me well, they think I have a decent self esteem. But i know mine is too low. They don't know what I'm thinking about myself. 

I think I'm worth less than other people. Worthless. I think. I'm worthless. 

I think I'm a burden. A burning burden. Am I burdening you by merely existing? I really don't know anymore. I don't know if the words people tell me are truths or lies. 

I tried. I really did. Even when I don't act as irritable and snap at people, I still disappoint them. I'm still not enough. I thought I would be loved more if I behaved more nicely. But I guess that isn't enough. Nothing ever is. 

Their words left metaphorical scars over me. Don't believe me. They don't believe me the first time. I don't deserve to be believed. I'm a liar caught up in a fire. They set me on fire. I'm only a candle to them now. 

Believe me. Please believe me. It wasn't my fault. A lot of things are, but that wasn't. It's not my fault. I'm only a fault. 

I could write poems about the too bright bathroom light, the way their words still hurt me and how I'll never be how I was before they told me those words, the way my ribs seem to shift and crack and poke into my vital organs. 

I'm not sad. I'm so much more than that. 

Yeah, there's something wrong with me. I have a whole list in my back pocket. 

I really hate being me, you know. 

I feel like no one cares as much as I do. 

Man, I hate being sensitive. It's ruining my life. 

I'm falling apart. It's impossible for me to be like the most. I'm not the most. I'm only myself. 

And there's only a sick ghost residing in these aching bones. 


Monday, March 12, 2018

Broken Crown hecking bros

Hi, I'm up late because I love sabotaging myself.

Nobody really cares or wants me to talk about myself, so I'm here to talk about my OCs instead.

A few months ago, I found this song.

It now reminds me of Ryen, Fierdan, Z, and Soulless.

I don't feel like explaining anymore because I lost motivation that anyone gives a damn!

Broken Crown~ Mumford & Sons 

This song... <3 omg. 

Makes me think of it possibly being in that royalty AU I mentioned last post. 

I basically hear this song being sung in Ryen's perspective, but it's about him and Fierdan. 

Wait, no.. around halfway through the song I also hear it in Fierdan's perspective. 

Oh and that line, "I'll never be your chosen one" reminds me of how Pre-Fierdan views Z. Because when Fierdan was a little kid only known as Danny (yeah, that's his other nickname.. weird, huh?), Z was constantly disappointed in him and.. yeah, bad stuff. So Z liked Ryen more, and spent more time with him. But later on, Ryen thinks that Z might have liked Fierdan more. So then Ryen thinks he'll never be the "chosen one" or more liked son. But in reality, their father was terrible to both of them. 

And none of what I just said will make any sense to anyone but myself. But you know what? I don't care since nobody even comments their input and thoughts. 

I mean yeah, I'm blogging for myself and I enjoy it. But not getting comments on here or anywhere is pretty annoying. And I'm sad right now too, so fvck it. 

Basically, I view this song as Ryen and Danny (oh heck, meant to say Fierdan but he isn't known by that name all his life, so) throughout their lives. 

These hecking bros.. make me so emotional. What the fvck. 

"I'll never wear your broken crown" reminds me of when they're much older and realize how sh¡tty their father was towards them (and also their mother and Dawn ;; hh). 

Yeah yikes, what a corrupt family. Z is terrible. He sucks. That song line is basically reminding me of how like Ryen and Fierdan are not accepting to agree with their father and do what he does/did. 

But ironically enough, Fierdan grew up to be and do what Z wanted him to do. And he looks a lot like Z. 

So.. yeah. :( ;-; 

I love thinking about this messed up, pain-filled family. Ha, ha, aaaaahhhh. 

I'm typing this now because I fvcking hate myself with a burning passion. God!!

Oh and I realized I can add my old signature in my posts. 

Yeah, that's cool I guess. 

. . . . . . 

Friday, March 9, 2018

hmm oh hey

Hey there. I'm back with another post where I'll basically be rambling. Enjoy.


I had two days off of school (Wednesday and Thursday) even though there wasn't really a reason to have the schools fully closed both days.

Ah, oh well. Not having school was nice.

Oh look, it's Friday now. Back to school for one day, and then it's the actual weekend.

Well, ok then. Just one day. Eh, shouldn't be too bad.


My cat, Thelma, is a hunter.

According to my parents, she hunted down and killed this mouse that entered our house through the cat food bag.

Poor mousey. :(

I'm proud of my cat though. She's a cat alright. My little hunter. :')

I didn't see her do this though. Ugh rip.


Saw the movies, "Get Out" and "Coco", recently.

You know.. those movies.. won Oscars. Yeah?

They're good movies.

Nice. Nice indeed.



About movies...

I'm not sure if it's because I've become more emotionally numb/apathetic or I just don't care or if it's because of what my story plans are, but like.. horror...

Horror movies and shows used to scare me so much. Like, I bet I'll still get frightened when I watch some horror movies, but nowadays, I feel less terrified when I watch horror genre stuff.

I actually like watching and reading horror now. It's actually very interesting.

So I've been watching and reading more of that type of stuff.

Yeah, woo, what a thrill.


Every day, I think about Duke and Fierdan a lot.

I'm still obsessed with them, I'm so sorry lmao.


When I wrote skits now, I see Fierdan as having a, well a umm...

Older brother/very young brother role towards Duke.

I think it's weird and bad and urghfghfh, but.. it's true.

Isn't it?

Oh heck.


I have a new skit idea involving Fierdan.

But first.. does anyone remember those skits I made several months ago where all of the characters made their own tumblr blog accounts?

Omg, what a time that was. Yikes.

So anyway, my new skit idea involves that.

In this weird as heck idea, this happens:

Ardere is walking around holding his laptop (because he apparently has one now). He is scrolling through Fierdan's tumblr blog page. Ardere is scrolling through his blog finding pictures of cryptids because Fierdan loves cryptids apparently. But then after a good long amount of scrolling, Ardere finds Fierdan's cursed poetry. And it's all hecking chaos from there.

And so there are several posts of Fierdan's poetry, which are.. umm.. inappropriate. So Ardere goes up to Fierdan with a wtf look on his face.

Ok but honestly, I can just picture Fierdan (at any point of his life really except for Pre-Fierdan because that boy was too sweet and pure and precious, gfghh) writing these messy poems that go into depth about violence. Like.. severe violence. I need to improve how I write very violent stuff though, heh eh.

I also can kinda picture Ardere finding Fierdan's poetry series on the seven sins or whatever they're actually called. So then Ardere reads poems titled the sins such as "Wrath", "Greed", "Pride", etc. and then he stumbles across the "Lust" one. And then.. I'm sorry lmao.

It's not what you might be thinking. I just.. asdfghjkl mmmm omg.


(Go to sleep, Cutepups. I don't want your filthy garbage. Stop throwing dirt. :/)

Yeah. Haha. Ha. No.


Random reminders/facts because why tf not:

Z (Ryen and Fierdan's father) is an awful man. I hate him. He's gross.

C (Ryen and Fierdan's mother) is a generally nice person. She's not like Z. But.. but.. she's pretty terrible too. For different reasons than Z. She's also very problematic. Honestly, screw her sonetimes. How dare she.

I know in the skits and what he's been like in the story so far that Ryen seems like a good, least problematic out of his parents and brother, but honestly.. Ryen is also problematic. They all are extremely problematic. Sometimes I think Fierdan is the least problematic out of all of them (weird thought, I know). Honestly, Ryen is such a jerk. And I think Ryen did stuff that was worse than nearly anything Fierdan did. Which is saying something. Anyway, screw Ryen in those scenes about their pasts. He frustrates me, and I hate what he did.

Taurel and Risak are what I hope are the antagonists of the story. But unlike Z (terrible shit man), I'm very interested in their characters and motives. Like omg, Taurel's  path to being merciless. Growing obsessed with finding and seeking revenge on (Duke) Fierdan. How he goes to extreme measures. He just doesn't give an eff, which is pretty awesome.

I really like Taurel and Risak quite a lot. Mm, heck me up.

Ok so they're not actually royalty, but I kinda view the family similar to a royal one. So anyway, I kinda view the family (Z, C, Ryen, Fierdan) as being a dynasty. Like.. idk lol.. King Z, Queen C, and their sons, Ryen and Fierdan. Well.. it's a corrupt dynasty then. Corrupt family, that's what it is. Big yikes.

Duke stands for something that's basically the name of the spell Fierdan said when creating the fusion of a tiny part of  himself and of  Soulless. Some random guy once told Duke that the "K" and "E" of his name stand for "Kill Everybody", but that's probably wrong.

So then I thought that maybe the "K" and "E" could stand for the English translation of what the "D" and "U" stand for.

But now I'm thinking of making what D.U.K.E. stands for so that every letter isn't a typical English word. In other words, the letters are words that are like names. But it's not like regular English words and names. Because.. well.. Fierdan wasn't speaking English when he did that Duke spell. He's saying stuff in another language, and I'm gonna be making up words. Hopefully. I hope so. It's hard work though.

A few days ago, I've been thinking about the "D" and "U" a lot. Hmm.

So basically, Duke is made up of four other, more complex, names. And Duke is an acronym. Duke is way shorter and easier to pronounce. So, he's just called Duke or Duke Fierdan.

I almost had a word down for the "U" but it turns out that's the name of an angel. So.. eh.. not gonna use that.

Duke is definitely not an angel. He's like a freaking demon. The opposite of being angelic. He's been cursed from the start. He's a curse. Can't be an angel then, sorry boy.

Uhh.. my plans, my goals, my dedication is to say by my gosh heck that...

Fierdan is bisexual. Confirmed me. Will I explain? Not now.

He.. he likes both. Ok, ok. Bi.

Oh, me? Can't decide whether I like DukeXTwinkle (actual canon thing that actually happened) or DukeXFinny (ship never sailed, never happened, tragic, damn it Finster)) now. Can't decide whether to (deep in story 2 at least- if I'll ever write the darn thing) have Fierdan stay in (for the long term *wink, wonk*) a relationship with a male character or female character. I can see him with both. But a lot happens before any of that actually starts because.. he's Fierdan. I'm also thinking of adding at least one nonbinary character in story 2, but I don't see Fierdan having a relationship with them.

Relationships? Romantic? Sexual? Aaahherghh idk what I'm talking about, I'm a hecking aro who is also ace. But do I sure love the unnecessary drama of adding romance to my characters.

Sensual confusion. Sexual? Wtf..?

Me: *explodes*

Honestly, at this point I'm viewing nearly all my protagonists (well, in that vague story 2 concept I talk about) as being asexual, aromatic, bisexual, and pansexual. Lol yeah uh.. heck.

Me? Obsessed with Fierdan? What? Pfft, no..

(I swear to god, Cutepuos! :/)

He's just my fiery boy. I love how I imagine him in my head. He's so beautiful, I'm crying.

(Omg go to sleep already! :/)

Sorry if there are any typos. I'll cringe at them later, just like I always do with all posts I make.

Ayy. :-)

~ Cutepups (.. wink wonk.. ;^) heck)

Tuesday, March 6, 2018


Hi, I'm tired but want to post something.

Ah yes. Hello.

I have another snow day on Wednesday. Yay nice.

One less B day. That's great. Truly is. I'm happy. Yes.

(Talk correctly in your posts, Cutepups. :/)

Yeah, I should. But no.

Anyway, I think of ideas for skits when I'm bored in school. So then I was thinking.

(Yeah lol wow)

I started thinking that (oh yeah, I'm referring to the story where they're from that I abandoned the past several months) Duke is more problematic than Fierdan. As in.. Duke is.. worse.

(Huh? The heck? - the parentheses are your thoughts, see I know what you guys are thinking)

They both suck, but I love them regardless. Still hate them for what they did though.

Yeah uh. Ok.

Then later I was thinking of making a new skit, and it would be about Ryen and Fierdan hanging out when the rest of the squad is at school.

So then I was thinking (wow so much thinking), "Fierdan and Ryen are so philosophical."

(Stop it, I'm leaving you 4ever, you weird Cutepuppio.)

Like.. what if they just have philosophical talks when they're all alone? Doesn't that sound so.. mm.. majestic?

(Why do I bother coming here?)

Because.. I love you. I love my viewers. You're great. Thanks so much.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh help me.

I had to write a horror short story for class, and now I'm overthinking the characters I put in it.

I really just wrote the story while I was in other classes on the same day, but..

I like my new characters. And no, it's not the same story hell universe where Duke, Fierdan, and the rest of them are from. It's totally different. I think.

It's about these other characters.

... I ship them, I'm sorry.

It's just.. ahhhh.

I want to draw them.

They're so cute. I love them boys.

But I think the story sucks.

So, eh, what to do?

Are you interested in me posting more about my characters that aren't Duke and Fierdan for like the first time ever? Reply with interest if you are indeed interested.

(Hahaha, you fool! You think I'll ever leave a physical comment in your comment box? You're so foolish! Why would I do such a thing? ..... Am I even real? XD)

I'm like half-asleep right now. Bye.

~ Cutepups