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Saturday, December 15, 2018

stupid texting skit

Forgot to post this other skit I wrote a few days ago. Here, have more trash from yours truly (aka me). 

I'm calling it, "stupid texting skit" lmao. 

While the Duke and Fierdan disaster was happening... 

[The dialogue is through text, not speech.] 

------------------------

[The time is 10 at night. Brock grabs his phone and creates a text group chat with Finny, Sparkle, Twinkle, and Dawn. Every line of dialogue here is a text message.]

Brock: Hi
Brock: Finals SUCK 
Finny: You made a group chat just to say that? 
Brock: Gosh, I am sorry. I miss you guys. 
Finny: You're right
Brock: Huh? 
Finny: It's late, I've been studying all day. I could use a break. 
Brock: Oh ok. Cool 
Sparkle: You think you're stressed? I have to work on my final project.
Finny: What's your project on?
Sparkle: It's a fashion project. I go to fashion school. Did I ever tell you that?
Twinkle: Let me think. No. 
Brock: So, Sparkle, you aren't taking any actual classes
Sparkle: I am taking classes! I bet fashion school is a lot harder than whatever classes you're taking! 
Brock: Do you even have exams? 
Sparkle: Yes! I had to take exams throughout the semester, but my final is this huge project!
Dawn: Good luck with it! 
Sparkle: Thank you, Dawn! :D 
Finny: It's only the first semester, and I had to do so many presentations for my business class. I have to dress up for them too which is ridiculous since it's a 9 am class. 
Twinkle: Ah geez, that's awful. 
Finny: ikr 
Sparkle: My goal for my clothes line is to make it lesbian friendly 
Dawn: What 
Dawn: What does that even mean?
Brock: Omg Sparkle you can't just say that
Sparkle: What? 
Twinkle: Pretend I'm giving you the Look. Except I actually am. 
Dawn: The Look?
Twinkle: yes 
Sparkle: No need to be rude
Twinkle: I'm not being rude. There's just no reason to say "lesbian friendly" like wtf do you even mean by that? 
Dawn: Yeah, adding on from what Twinkle said,
Dawn: Are you trying to say you're designing and creating flannels? Rainbow apparel? Gender neutral clothes? Femme? Also what about butch? Or do you, or should you, refer to the entire LGBTQIA community? Or at least those wanting to present and dress feminine? 
Sparkle: I'm trying to be inclusive :/
Dawn: Ok then make sure you are 
Twinkle: Girls, you gotta chill. Fashion is fashion. Does it even matter? I'll just wear whatever the fuck I want. 
Finny: Umm....
Brock: I'm laughing over here 
Finny: ...... k 

[Some time later.]

Brock: Does anyone else think it's weird that we haven't heard anything from Duke or Fierdan in like a month? 
Sparkle: Yeah, we can finally live in peace! 
Twinkle: idk what's going on 
Dawn: It's suspicious 
Sparkle: That's because they were both acting strange in that group chat we were all in. 
Finny: Hmm...
Finny: I tried texting Duke's phone several times, but the texts wouldn't send. 
Brock: Yes! My phone says there's something wrong with the "connection" lol wtf 
Finny: I get that message too!
Twinkle: Ok I'll admit it. So did I. The same thing happened with me. 
Finny: What about Sparkle and Dawn? 
Sparkle: They should've sent me some dumb thing by now
Finny: Fierdan sends you dumb things?
Sparkle: Lol no, I was thinking about Duke
Brock: Fierdan sending Sparkle cryptid memes XD 
Twinkle: ok that is funny 
Finny: Dawn? 
Dawn: Oh right, same as what everyone else said. I'm getting worried about them tbh 
Brock: Same :( 
Finny: Wait a sec
Finny: Does anyone have Fierdan's number? 
Dawn: I do. Got that same "no connection" or "message failed to send" on my phone. 
Finny: Oh 
Twinkle: It's so weird. What is going on with them?

[A shorter time later this time.] 

Finny: wtf is wrong with me lmao 
Dawn: what is it?
Finny: I suddenly remembered that one time 
Finny: Sorry, I'm laughing so much 
Twinkle: Are you ok, Finn?
Finny: Yes I just 
Brock: lol what's so funny 
Finny: ok ok so like 
Sparkle: Just tell us already! 
Finny: Remember that time Duke took a bath at like 3 in the afternoon? and how he. How he made fire come out of the faucet? 
Sparkle: Ugh yeah >:/ he burned the bathroom door 
Brock: oh yeah lmao 
Sparkle: It's not funny! 
Finny: Anyway so like 
Finny: I was mad at Duke so I 
Twinkle: Omg just type what you wanted to say 
Finny: Sorry I type slowly 
Dawn: it's ok, Finny 
Finny: I told Duke "fuck you" a few times 
Finny: and he was like "I only have a towel on ;)" 
Finny: That conversation is hilarious to me now like wtf Duke 
Sparkle: Duke's mind is dirty and cursed, what else is new? 
Twinkle: Nothing is new 
Twinkle: Except that Brock is right. Finals suck!
Brock: Fuck yeah! Got that right! 
Twinkle: uh? yeah 
Finny: And that's not the end of it. I was clearly frustrated at Duke when I was saying "fuck you" to him. But how does he respond? Basically like "ok Ok Finny, my dude, my boy. my friend. You keep on saying 'fuck you' to me, and I'm naked right now. so I get your message. if you get what I mean" idfk then he winks ;) ? "fuck you? then do it" lmao wtf is with this guy 
Sparkle: Are you trying to kill me? 
Finny: No, I just think that time was hilarious. Stupid too.
Sparkle: This whole chat is stupid.
Twinkle: True, true. 

[... idk]

Brock: I agree with Dawn. I'm actually worried about Duke. 
Brock: Don't laugh 
Sparkle: lol 
Brock: ...
Sparkle: oops 
Brock: That time we met over fall break, and then during the group chat on our laptops
Brock: I just
Finny: No, I understand. 
Brock: Duke clearly isn't doing okay. Fall break- he pretended to be high 
Sparkle: Exactly! Who does that? :/
Finny: He only did that because he couldn't stand himself.. not being high? or drunk? tbh idk 
Brock: Isn't that disturbing? Sad? 
Dawn: That he feels more comfortable under the influence of drugs? Hell yeah 
Brock: And then how he enters the group chat late. 
Twinkle: Duke was making all of us uncomfortable. But you're right. I am concerned. 
Brock: He wasn't pretending to be high then. He really was. Right?
Dawn: Yes, Brock. 
Finny: Don't forget how Fierdan was behaving. He was acting strange too 
Twinkle: The Duke-Soulless-Fierdan thing still confuses me. 
Sparkle: for real 
Twinkle: yeah ?
Sparkle: I don't get it either lol
Twinkle: oh ok 
Brock: I don't even want to know what Duke was doing or where he was right before entering our group chat. Being high, wearing lingerie, the chance he was in an adults-only place... I don't want to know what shit he got into 
Twinkle: None of us do. 
Brock: I think by "dance" he didn't really mean that. 
Finny: He wanted to off himself.
Brock: oh right, that too.
Finny: then what are you talking about? 
Brock: I was thinking that he was referring to something.. something uh.. sexual when he said that. And what the hell was he wearing? 
Sparkle: Thanks a lot, Brock. Now stfu 
Finny: That whole thing was wild. 
Finny: But yeah, to me it feels like he's punishing himself now more than ever. People did terrible things to him. Uh..
Dawn: Yeah 
Finny: idk where I was going with this 
Dawn: that's ok 

[... huh]

Sparkle: Can we stop thinking about them? For once? 
Brock: Ok
Finny: Sure 
Sparkle: Ok. We're all stressed college kids, and life is shit for all of us right now. But hey, it's almost winter break. The holidays! New year's! Oh yeah! 
Twinkle: I can't wait for finals to be over. I'm sick of living this dorm life. 
Sparkle: ikr! 
Finny: can't wait, then I can finally relax. but for now, I'm stressed out of my mind D: 
Dawn: You guys know I'm not in college yet? 
Twinkle: Oh shit, that's right! 
Dawn: I sent out all my college apps at the beginning of the month
Sparkle: Good luck :) 
Dawn: haha thanks 
Brock: Is college even worth it though? It's just lectures and a dozen 3+ page essays due in 4 months 
Twinkle: I'm not the only one who had to write that many papers? Thank you, Brock! We're not alone! 
Finny: I don't think I had to write that many essays, but I definitely wrote a lot more these past three or four months than I had to write in high school in the same amount of time. 
Brock: Yeah, college is a lot of work! :( 
Dawn: D': 
Dawn: Good luck! I believe in you! 
Sparkle: Thanks again! 
Twinkle: Thanks :')
Finny: Thanks!
Brock: thank u 

[The End.]

Probably a more "normal" skit than the other ones. 

There you go. Yay. 

gtg bye 

Friday, December 14, 2018

ok uh

Ok, uh, I'm just gonna say my point. 

I know I asked questions last post. And the one before that. 

(???)

But. (...)

I decided I'm not going to be checking on here. 

Yeah. Sorry. 

I made very stupid decisions.

[stupid, stupid, stupid] 

By being on here as much as I have. 

And I made myself stressed over blogging stuff. 

I don't know. I've just been thinking too much about my cursed story plans. 

For a while, my thoughts have been like, "Hey, you know what? I'm not going to survive math this time around. Heck, maybe my entire semester. I had very bad- honestly, disgusting and destructive- thoughts about the story for quite some time. I'm going to make posts about them. Whatever. Now other people can know how bad my story ideas have gone, and they are aware of how bothered I am about them and story events that already happened. Haha, I really am not content with my writing at all." 

Well.. fuck it. Now you know. 

Got my math final today. I fucked up. At least I know I will. 

Maybe I've been posting about the story so much because it gives me energy, and it's something I'm interested in despite all it's shit..? 

I feel that without it.. I'm nothing. 

I'm going to be dead in a few hours anyway, so I decided to just post the story shit I've kept to myself for so long. I know it's all bad; I know I'm bad. 

I'm not going to be on here. I'm so stupid, ugh, I should have quit this blogging shit a long time ago. 

Writing about my story? To feel happiness? Wow, that sure is ironic and stupid. 

Stupid? Yeah. Me. 

I'm sorry. 

That's it. Bye. 

Thursday, December 13, 2018

hey uhh hhhhh uh

Me: *wakes up and checks blog* Why the HECK did I post that?!
Viewers: .... ... .. . umm wtf-
Anxiety: *intensifies* 

Hi, I'm very sad and stressed and unable to focus on studying. How are you? 

Sorry for the way-too-many-details about all that kind of stuff. I feel bad about writing it like that. Oops haha. 

Duke.. he's had it rough. I'm terrible to him. I hate myself too. 

Important hey important please read: 

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

Haha! I am a disappointment and failure! XD 

... those last two posts sound way too sexual and i am disgusted with myself. 

hhhhngghh. those sex ideas.. BAD. they r kiddos. g0d FucKING DAMn it, my CURSEd midNight bRaIN!!!1!1!?1??1!!:/!

my brain be switching back and forth like: sex neutral it's fine whatever all is good in the hood And Then To sex REPULSED YOU MUST BE STOPPED aaaaaughhh my stomach is DYINGGG 

Yeah. 

Every other Blogspot blog: *functions like an actual blog*
Me on my Blogspot blog: *is like this*

Hahahahaha so funny!!!! XD 

Me: *living that College Life TM- slurping cheap ramen noodles* 

Lab final- check complete
Drama final- check complete 
Math final- ohohoho! 8 am tomorrow! wahoo! (me: *dies tomorrow due to being a failure and disappointment*)
Lecture final- monday 
Intro to Lit final- tuesday 
Then the semester is over!!! :D 

No offense but I might just go off and die somewhere tomorrow. 

I've been making these story and skit posts, so you'll be in The Know. Now you know all my shitty story thoughts. And now there are even more valid reasons why people on the internet hate me. It's great! 

Forgot to mention. But like. Duke doesn't get drunk Every Time he steals and drinks alcohol. That's only sometimes. I'm thinking he would've used to steal and drink around 2 or 3 times a week, maybe get drunk one of those nights. Uh.. I'm a dumbass who shouldn't be talking about this. 

I'm still haunted by not knowing if those two fucked up scenarios count as sexual harassment or assault. I'm a dumbass. Help. 

Me: *just writes about Fierdan (Danny?? Dan?? wtf is this guy's name) having a boyfriend* 
Viewers: That is.. a concept. Wow. Cryptic. 

Anyway, from my 2017 skits onward, Fierdan does not and can not scream I Am A Straight. It just.. no. 

I love my problematic boys who have killed people in canon way too much, and I actually hate myself for that too. 

I wanted to sleep since 7, but I have to study for math which will literally murder me tomorrow morning. 

Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!! 

I mean, like.. why would I write about flashback scenes (@ Duke POV) if I don't mention them again at a later point in the story? Umm.. significance, sweeties. 

The Structure of Narrative is important. I took a theater appreciation (drama) class this semester. I need to make my trainwreck of a story be a, well, proper story! 

My story is way too complicated. I don't get it. Who even is/are the antagonist/s? I.. uh.. fuck it, I'll give it a try. 

Protagonist: Twinkle. Duke? Dawn?? Ardere??? Uhhhh.......
Antagonist: Calliah? Fierdan?? Z! Soulless! Duke?? Risak? Taurel! Umm......
Disruption 1: Twinkle's sister died. Twinkle's parents blame Twinkle for her sister's death. 
Disruption 2: Twinkle goes to hospital after field trip because supernatural creatures attacked her there. She wakes up in hospital to blue hair due to her Elemental Power. Oh and a part of her lower spine that's right above her butt is messed up, so she has to wear a brace now too. 
Disruption 3: Duke is there. Why is he even there? He becomes friends with Twinkle, but then they unofficially become boyfriend-girlfriend..? I don't get it. 
Disruption 4: Duke is a fucked up tragic disaster boy! Fierdan connection?? Ooh, Duke has a Thing for his blood. Mm tasty. Blood. Yum. He wants to kill everyone and everything. He's in a conflict with himself. ?????? 
Disruption 5: Dawn!! Who is she?? 
Disruption 6: Taurel and Risak want to torture the Duke Fierdan! Ah heck! But it's ok because Finny comes to his senses, and Calliah screws them (not Finny) over. Calliah.. Duke.. it's complicated. 
Disruption 7: Duke's father wanted to murder Duke. Calliah killed him though. Why is there so much murder in this dysfunctional family?? 
Disruption 8: Sweet sunshine lightning boy dies. Duke is devastated. Five Stages of Grief. 
Disruption 9: Duke gets tortured and loses his humanity. Duke kills a man. Duke does very violent actions to the other man but does not kill him. Killing is merciful. Not killing is not. Duke has no mercy. He gives zero fucks at this point. 
Disruption 10: Duke's sing-along-time friend dies. Then Duke fucking dies. Fierdan is there and says hello. Soulless has been exterminated. Fierdan.. yes. 
Resolution: Everyone in the main character squad is traumatized. The end. 

That's what I got so far. 

I can't believe I never got to writing the chapters that lead up to and include Duke's torture arc. I've been thinking about it for so long that I think I already wrote it. Like a year ago. But no. I have not. 

Dang, that messed me up. 

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me 

I'm not strong enough. I can't do this. I'm sorry. 

Bye. 

Skit + Story Analysis ii (tw)

Here's part 2! 

Read part 1 here:
http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/12/skit-story-analysis-late-2017-2018-i.html

Again, just putting it out there. 

[tw: self-harm, suicide, abuse, harassment/assault, alcohol/drugs.. uh, might be forgetting something. explicit language too.]

From this skit:
I love suffering, so I've been reading it over and over. 

Alright! Let's go into it! 

(I'm not making this post in order of the skit's events.)

--------------------------

I first want to talk about this part.

Duke: *is strangely calm* My father hated me more than my mother did. He was planning on trying to murder me for.. for quite a long time, actually. But my mother sent him to his death. I used to love my father. I don't anymore, don't worry. *smiles sadly* I thought I had at least one parent who loved me. I guess Fierdan is that parent for me. 
Help person: *is just oh so lost and confused, somebody save him* 
Duke: I thought my memories of my father fighting my mother were because he didn't want her to.. I don't know, abuse me? Well, I was wrong yet again! He didn't give a damn about me. He just let her abuse me. He was a fucking bystander. *pauses* I think he knew all along what I am. Because I sure as hell am not a human being. I'm a demon. I was created in hell. *faces Help person* I can show you my wings of fiery hell if you'd like, sir. 

Yeah, that part. 

Duke said he was created in hell and that he's a demon. That's because Fierdan created that Fierdan-Soulless fusion thing (aka the DUKE) in Cincernum. And Cincernum is black goop hell. 

Ok but seriously, this is a story spoiler. Not all of it because now I have written chapters mentioning what Duke is saying here. 

Duke's father wanted to kill Duke. He knew that Duke was connected to Fierdan and that he's a monster. And yeah, he wanted to kill Duke. 

Before Duke knew anything about this, Calliah killed him. And Calliah told Duke this in Chapter 50-something. 

But what's the spoiler? Well, I decided to make Duke have distorted, or false, memories from his childhood. Not everything Duke said about his childhood in old chapters (I mean the ones from 2014) is accurate to what happened to him. 

I love making him be a tragic disaster, so he's thinking his childhood wasn't as bad as it really was. 

And by that, I mean.. (oh wait, I said this before)...

Duke had false memories about him. He repressed memories connected to his father. Duke kind of idealized him, so he created and believed these positive aspects of his father.

I'm going to edit the writing a little bit; this is from Chapter 18. I hate my writing style in 2014. 

I asked my dad, "Daddy, can I ask Mommy something?" 
He stopped reading the paper, and turned his head towards me. "Sure thing, kiddo. Just let me move over, so you can get up." 
He moved over, so I could get off the couch and walk over towards my unusually silent mother. And I did. I then stood right in front of my mother, who was just sitting there. I glanced back at my father. He continued reading the paper. I looked forward again. She just stared at me blankly. Like I wasn't even there.
After a few awkward moments, I asked her my question. "Do you love me, Mommy?" 
She still stared right through me. I remember that I then glanced all around the room. "Hey, Mommy..." I began to ask my very important question again.
 After another long period of silence, my dad interrupted me. "Of course she does, Duke. We all love you, sweetie." My dad then closed the newspaper, and gave my mom an angry look. 
As a result, she gave him an even angrier look back. 
I shuffled my feet, embarrassed. She then gave me the same angry look she gave my father, moments before. 
"No. Now move. You're in my way, you worthless..." 
Alarmed, I moved out of the way before she could finish that sentence. Luckily, she didn't. However, she continued sitting there. Not even intending on going up, or anything. 
Wide-eyed, I ran up to my room and locked the door.
 But right before I slammed my door shut, I heard my mother shout, "Oh would you shut up? You know I never wanted him; never loved him. You expect me to lie! How much of a fool are you, Eternal (aka Duke's father)?"
And then I heard my father say much quieter and peacefully, "Then yes. You should've lied. As long as he thinks he's being loved. By both his parents. Oh God! Now he thinks that his mother doesn't love him..."
I closed the door. And that was when it hit me. My own mother never loved me. I then cried in my room for the rest of the day, into the night.

For so much of Duke's life, he viewed his father as a good person. So he thought this was what happened when it didn't exactly go like that. 

Oh, I should include the context. Duke is remembering a "horrific memory" (lol) when he was 4 (though I might make him be 5 instead). He believes that he wanted to ask his mother if she loves him, and that his father was being supportive and encouraging. He thinks Calliah (I'll just say her name now lol) was just sitting there doing nothing. His father basically says, "Of course she loves you, Duke. Your parents love you very much." His mother basically says, "No, now move. You're in my way, you worthless--." That's how Duke remembers it happening. And then Duke thinks the reason why he hears loud voices outside his room because his father is upset at Calliah for being honest and telling Duke to his face that she doesn't love him. His father starts speaking in a regular speaking voice; compared to his mother, he sounds a lot softer and peaceful. Then Duke cries in his room, which could be a reason why he didn't hear his parents' voices escalate as their arguing continued on. Or he erased the fighting from his memory. 

Sorry to say, but it didn't really happen like that. 

Duke's father never was close to Duke. He did try to get close to his father, yes, but (ok I'm just gonna say Eternal for now though I don't like that name) Eternal ignored Duke or shut him out. Eternal didn't really care about his son. He doesn't tell Duke that he loves him; that his parents love him. That never happens. Duke made that up. 

Both of his parents never told Duke as he grew up that they love him. They did, however, say to Duke that they hate him. 

Duke goes to his room and cries because Calliah told him he's worthless and unloved in one go. That does happen. 

But the reason behind his parents fight isn't the same reason Duke came up with. 

They argue about Duke and how annoying he is. And how they don't want him. Like ok.. Duke doesn't get taken care of. I mean he does, barely. Then his parents drink a lot of alcohol and get drunk, and their fighting becomes more intense. 

Duke's parents drink a lot of alcohol. They get drunk frequently. As Duke was growing up, I think they got drunk at least once a week. 

So anyway, why did Duke think so positively about Eternal? It's probably because Duke is around his father less than his mother. Calliah also kept him away from Eternal, so she could see Duke's flame mark on his chest. When she did that, she would physically hurt Duke. But some times she harmed him when Eternal could see. When that happened, he didn't interfere and let her continue to hurt Duke. 

So because his father doesn't physically abuse him, Duke thinks he is the better parent. And that his father loves him. Sure, Eternal never physically harmed Duke as a child, but he was passive and neglectful. 

Wow, this is so sad. :'( 

And when Duke realizes who Eternal was for how he really was.. it breaks him. He built up this false belief where his father cared about him and loved him.. only to have it all shatter because that's all a lie. 

It messes Duke up so badly. And the real memories he repressed start coming back when Duke is being held hostage by Taurel. So yeah.. yikes. 

Not sure how or why that happens to Duke. It just does. I don't know. 

It's fucked up how the parent who physically hurt Duke ended up being the one who acknowledged, and at times even truly cared, about him. The other parent didn't hurt Duke, sure, but he didn't care about Duke at all. 

It really goes down to: Calliah hated Duke's existence because of Fierdan, but she never wanted to actually kill him or have him dead. When Eternal found out about Duke's flame mark and his connection to Fierdan, which thankfully happened when Duke doesn't live with his parents anymore, he wanted Duke to die. And if that meant killing his son, he wouldn't hesitate. Calliah killed Eternal so Duke could live. 

Yeah, this family is so fucked up. They're all into murder. Big yikes. 

When Duke hears about that, he begins to have conflicting thoughts on whether he should completely hate and be scared of his mother.. or whether he should love her just a little bit and be less afraid of her. 

Honestly though. What would you do if you were in Duke's situation? I don't know what I would do. 

I might make Calliah ask Duke if he forgives her for everything once she explains everything to him. Duke says no and that he'll never forgive her, even though she saved his life. That scene is gonna be emotional, oh boy. 

Wow, this is long. Oh. 

-x-x-x- 

When I think of Chapter 27 and how those older kids treat Duke at the pool, I think about how messed up that whole thing was. They wanted Duke, who's a little kid, to take off his shirts. They were practically forcing Duke to. 

I want to edit how those events happen. I'm thinking of adding the older kids wanting to and attempting to pull down Duke's pants/shorts or swimming trunks after he tripped into the pool. But hey, it's just a joke. Chill out, Duke. And he only falls into the pool because he was trying to get away from a kid who was trying to take off his undershirt. If Duke wanted to swim, he intended on keeping his undershirt on, but they wouldn't let him swim with them unless he was bare-chested. And like.. Duke is a freaking 9 year old. 

And a few months before the events of story 1 begin, Admiral (gotta change that name too) kisses Duke's lips in school. He doesn't want her to. He never consented that he was fine with her touching him like that. 

Admiral thought it was a pity that Duke never kissed a girl before. She was lustful for him. She wanted to be Duke's girlfriend, even after all the times he told her no. 

Nowadays when I think about what Admiral wanted from Duke, it's.. different than how things went down with Twinkle. 

Admiral only really cared about Duke's appearance. She thinks about Duke's body, but she ignores what he says and his feelings. If she could see his scars and know how bad his mental state is, she wouldn't be obsessed with wanting to date Duke. 

Then at some point, Admiral doesn't care whether or not she and Duke are a romantic couple. She just wants his body. 

Yeah, it's going that road. (yeet!) 

They don't have to be boyfriend-girlfriend for them to get physical. Admiral feels lust for Duke. 

And here's another reason I'm changing their ages to be 16-17. Though that is still young. And oh yeah- underage. 

Admiral.. wtf girl? :/ 

She wanted to go to parties with Duke. Parties with lots of alcohol and sex. Those kind of parties. 

You're in high school, damn it. Admiral.. why. 

Ah great. Now I'm imagining them at a party, and Admiral is surprised that Duke doesn't hesitate to drink alcohol. And then Duke drinks a lot more than she thought he would. 

And uh.. ok so. Admiral wanted Duke to fuck her. She wanted sex. And lots of kissing all over their bodies. 

So, you know, big yikes indeed. 

And like.. if he's drunk, if she's drunk, if they're both intoxicated, that's not consensual sex. 

[EDIT- No. Crossing that out before my anxiety escalates.]

What was my point again? Oh yeah. 

When Admiral kissed Duke, he felt trapped. As in he couldn't move. 

Maybe she put a hand between his legs when she kissed him. And this all happens in under 30 seconds or something like that. 

Umm... 

Duke: ... Harass me; violate my body. Do whatever the fuck you want with my body because it's not mine. ... Because hey, it's fine to do things to my body without my goddamn consent! ... I used to have bad dreams that she.. *hands shake* that she had her hand on me lower than I remembered. That maybe she didn't only want to kiss my lips. Maybe I'm just making this up. I might be imagining that she also put-- or at least thought about it, but whatever-- one of her hands between my legs. So.. so she could touch-- 

Admiral wanted to, or did, touch (grab?) Duke's genitals through his pants. (whew.. wtf)

Yeah ahh. That's fucked up! Yeet! 

When I think of these two scenes (pool scene, kiss scene) I'm like, "Aren't those acts of sexual harassment and assault?" Uh.. even though there is no actual sex or touching of genitals. I don't know, I think it is..? 

I added in the line, "I guess I was sexually harassed and assaulted too. *pauses again* I mean.. fuck, I don't know." (Duke) because I don't know if it's accurate to say that those events count as sexual assault. Does it count? They didn't rape him. 

Anyway, if it is, then it's another thing Duke and Dawn have in common. :'c 

O_O okAY !!!

-x-x-x-

I searched "drunkie" in the blog searchbar, and I mentioned in skits about Duke having been drunk in his past since 2015. So it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that I'm making Duke have a history with alcohol consumption. And I'm making his parents be frequent drinkers, so it's easy for him to have access to alcohol. 

When he was 14, he realized he could steal some of his parents' alcohol without them really noticing. 

I think it would be easiest to steal beer. Because like.. those come in cans and smaller bottles. So he could steal a couple from six packs. 

Then a little later, Duke gets bored of beer. And maybe wine too. So then he would steal other kinds of alcohol like whiskey and vodka. Of course it's a lot harder to take them if you're planning on drinking them away from home and in city alleyways or rooftops. So he usually just drank a couple beers a night (he didn't do this every night though). 

Yeah, Duke's house was a toxic environment, but his parents didn't really bother to notice where Duke was at night. He could be getting himself drunk a few nights a week (2-3?) and they wouldn't call him out on it. 

Duke doesn't get addicted to alcohol. 

-x-x-x- 

Before Finny, Duke had a friend. I can't find the chapter, but I think I called him Daredevil. That's long, so I'll just call him DD. 

When I think of DD, I think of him being a few years older than Duke. He would be in his mid-late teens when Duke was 12-14. Anyway, DD wasn't a good influence on Duke. 

One day when Duke was walking in the slum parts of the city, DD finds him. They meet around alleyways, usually at night or dusk. 

I think I wrote that DD became paralyzed after doing a stupid stunt. Because he would do stunts, hence the 'Daredevil' nickname. I'm also thinking of adding him overdosing on a drug or mix of drugs (well.. duh) soon after that. And when Duke left his parents house behind, he left that city behind. He never planned on going back, so he doesn't. So now Duke has no idea what happened to DD, and frankly, he doesn't really care. 

DD might have helped convince Duke to steal his parents' alcohol and drink the hell out of it. Well, after Duke briefly and vaguely told him about his home situation. 

Healthy coping mechanisms? Haha, what's that? 

I don't think Duke always used alcohol as self-harm. But at some point, he does. But that goes into full-swing after he's away from DD. 

Like, uh.. When Duke was 15 and/or 16, he tried to kill himself by alcohol poisoning. When he was 16, he tried to slice his arms open, cut part of his neck, get very drunk, and fall off a tall building as an attempt to kill himself. 

Like you think after trying to kill himself once or twice, he would be like, "Nah, I don't want to try dying again." but he just does it again and again. He hates being alive that he willingly goes through so much pain. Geez, big ouch. 

And Duke kinda just accepted that he would have to kill himself and die when Fierdan told him to. Duke was like, "Oh ok cool, that's fine." 

Duke, boy, please. You're killing me. 

... it shouldn't be a surprise that he ends up dead. 

-x-x-x-

If Duke ever had other drugs, I'm really only thinking nicotine. As in cigarettes or e-cigarettes. 

And he would get them from DD. But he doesn't get 'attached (?)' to them. 

So he might have smoked in the past. I'm not as certain on that as I am with the alcohol. 

Once or twice, DD might have smoked weed with Duke. I don't know. 

Oh and maybe Duke also took old medicine and pills. That's a little more likely, but I don't know. 

Duke doesn't get addicted to drugs either, so I can't see him trying heroin, meth, or crack. I mean.. I guess? Uh ok. 

Duke, what a kid. What a hecking kid. Oh geez wow. 

-x-x-x- 

This doesn't have to do with the skits or even the story really, but I just want to say it now. 

I can see Fierdan in his late 20s needing glasses. 

His brother wears glasses, so there's a higher chance that he would also need to wear glasses at some point. 

-x-x-x- 

At the end of story 2, (if Fierdan is 19 in story 1) Fierdan would be 21. The time range for story 2 would be a little over a year. A few months over a year. 

I might be thinking of having 'Duke' return at the end of that story. So he would be 19. And 'Duke' isn't Duke. They're different. But somehow he finds Fierdan again? I talked about this in the previous post. Ah haha. 

-x-x-x- 

I like thinking about older Fierdan and older Duke concepts. 

Them in their 20s to their 40s. Never really thought about what they'd potentially look like older than that. 

-x-x-x-

I don't know how to properly end emotional skits, so I just end with the characters hugging. 

It's an attempt to ease my pain after writing pain in the skit. 

:•)

-x-x-x- 

Oh and hey, think about this concept:

Murderous Twinkle. 

(Omg does she want to kill?)

Heh, eh, eh. Possibly? 

>;)

-x-x-x- 

I fucking love the Duke and Fierdan dynamic in my skits. 

It's just.. so good? Mm, that's some good shit. 

-x-x-x- 

Ok so I think that's all I wanted to talk about regarding that skit. 

I have a final to take this evening. 

Time to die! :] 

Thanks for reading my long posts. Especially my recent ones. With this type of content. 

It's not pleasant, huh. 

I hope I won't die from stress. 

... it's probably bad that I've been only having one actual meal per day for around a week now. Sometimes, 1.5 meals. 

And sometimes I don't even eat snacks. I don't even feel that hungry. 

Haha, I'm a disaster. 

Between creating blog posts, I've been looking over my notes/essays/tests/reading texts (studying? uh-), sleeping (somehow 7-8 hours? wow uh-), going to the bathroom, texting family and friends (not every day though), drinking (water the most lol), logging into and spending time on dA and tumblr (both are boring lately tbh, dA not as much- wow huh), and then yeah eating something. That's my life now. Haha ok. (this sucks)

Me, forgets to eat for the majority of a day: Haha, #self-care! ... Duke and Fierdan though. ... Math is going to kill me for real this time. I was lying in high school; college math is going to actually be the one that kills me. ... Hey, I have so many ideas for Duke and Fierdan. ... I am panicking. But I'm also chilling. ... I should have spent every waking moment studying. I did not do that. Was this a mistake? I'll find out soon enough. 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! 


Wednesday, December 12, 2018

nvm have this aj stuff lol aahhh + duke as always

Just gonna put this here. 

I'll be back with my skit analysis later. 

Ok, so, AJ. 

New Jamaaliday gifts: Jamaaliday Dragon Mask and Jamaaliday Musketeer Hat. I like the Musketeer Hat, so I put it on my bunny. I changed Enchanted's appearance accordingly. 

I'm putting the pictures here not in the order I took them. (lmao omg, cutepups!)

I got this black&white entrance gate thing as a gift today. I got the purple square thing from an Adventure.

Dustypaw is so valid.  

................

It's ok, guys, it's ok. 

Nobody stole the username, "fierdan" or "Fierdan" from me. Nobody stole it away from me. Fierdan is mine. 

... *suddenly hears an awful noise* me: wtf 

... well ok then. 

-x-x-x-

I had a bad dream this morning. I was taking my intro to lit final, but there were math problems on it. And for some reason, I knew about the math stuff. I thought that math was easy. But then on the intro to literary study final, I was not prepared for the math stuff. 

... I have my drama final tomorrow. Should I study more? Absolutely. But eh, whatever, have my garbage posts. 

... I'm terrified for my math final. Who's a failure and disappointment? I am! XD 

... I had to cut the last post short because I had to type and submit a short esssay. Well, fix my bad rough draft. And change like half of it. 

Mine's not short-short though. I am going to be killed. 

How I imagine my potential viewers: *in monotonous tone* That's great to hear, Cutepups. 

-x-x-x-

I'm pretty sure all my posts have the word, Duke, in them. 

Duke, he's everywhere. He invaded my mind. 

I should be studying and paying attention and studying. But no. Nooooo! 

I'm thinking about Duke. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm just casually living my life when thoughts about Duke pop up in my head. 

Me, last year: *gets unwanted thoughts of suicide* 
Me, now: *gets un?-wanted thoughts about Duke* 

Duke: thanks for the validation! ;)

-x-x-x- 

Thoughts such as..:

• Thinking about Duke but with his four-word cryptic name. 
• Thinking about Duke being one or two years older than me. Like yeah, he is supposedly 17 in story 1, but I think about Duke being older than me. Ok, I'll try to explain. I was born in 2000; I think about Duke being born in 1999. Or 1998. Because I think of him being 19 or 20. And his birthday is December 19th, so I'll think of him being 20 or 21. Yes, I did say Duke here. 
• The setting of the story is actually somewhere around 100 years into the future. There's a lot more technological advancements. Uh.. Ryen and Z *cough*. 
• What if Duke didn't die? What if I make him come back to the story at the end of story 2? But of course, he won't be called Duke. He would have a completely different name. And he would be older and sexy hot gorgeous man. 
• The squad would all be shocked. Especially Danny-Fierdan-Dan (whatever name he keeps at the end of story 2; he can't decide on his name lol). And oh, oh! (I'll just go with Fierdan). Fierdan has grown kinda soft. And 'Duke' has grown into an older badass, possibly with long hair, but he looks like sexy hot gorgeous manly man. And if Duke dies at 17 in story 1, he would return at the end of story 2 being 19 at the youngest. 'Duke' wouldn't have the marks on his body that distinguish him from Fierdan (purple flame mark, head marks, red mark near his nose), so he would either look nothing like Fierdan.. or identical to him (except 'Duke' would have the long hair now while Fierdan's is short). But then at that point, 'Duke' would have no parts of him (physically and mentally) connected to Fierdan.
• I'm a little paranoid. Because, wow, I make Duke go through so much crap. I even have some sexual-themed thoughts about him. I'm so caught up in thinking that Duke is an adult. As in 18+. Like in that last skit, he's 18. But I'm just saying. I think of him being 18+ in story contexts. Even though I know he's only 17 in the actual written story. (idk how to phrase things lmao) 
• I don't have finals on December 19th, so maybe that's a good sign? That's Duke and Fierdan's birthdays! 
• ... By the end of story 2 with the very small chance that 'Duke' returns, Fierdan has a boyfriend. and they're very intimate. in a cute and wholesome context, and later in a dirty context. as in.. *cough* fierdan ain't no virgin. he gets fucked, he fucks-- Thanks for saying that, Cutepups. AJ post, who? Sex repulsion, who? CuTePuPs?!?!??!!!!

Ok, yeah, bye. :) 


Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Skit + Story Analysis (late 2017-2018) i

Hi, I'm here with that post I said I was going to make. Yay. 

But before that, two things:

1. Everyone in my math class colluded, which makes me have some faith in other people. :) 
2. I was reading over Chapter 22, and I just have to say. I don't know why I made Duke say that Finny's full name is Infinity when it's supposed to be Finn. I don't know why Admiral said Duke played on the school's soccer team when Duke didn't play soccer in general. Reading that was weird. Reading anything I wrote in 2014 is weird. I was weird, let's be real here. 

Anyway, this might be controversial, but. I really like "Explain Yourself at the Help" skit 3. I'm proud of it, to be honest. 

I said there was going to be potentially triggering content in there. So.. yeah. 

I'm going to talk about those things, so I'm putting this here:

[tw: self-harm, suicide, abuse, harassment/assault, alcohol/drugs.. uh, might be forgetting something. explicit language too.]

-----------------------------

I guess the first thing I should say is that I've been getting serious in the skits. The skits create a story just like how the chapters do. I really like the story I created through my skits.. maybe more than my chapters at this point. 

The characters grow and develop through the skits. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm going to mention Duke and Fierdan here. 

Only recently have I realized that I was working on Duke's character development in all (or nearly all) my skits from November 2017 (or earlier but I'm too lazy to check beyond then) till now. The same goes for Fierdan. 

Ever since November or December 2017, I began making my skits be about Fierdan and Duke dealing with their trauma. And they didn't go through the same traumatic experiences (in story 1). 

I think at one point I thought I was only writing about Fierdan's trauma and PTSD, but I realized I've been writing about Duke's for almost as long as Fierdan's. In the skits, I mean. 

And like.. all these skits are about Duke's gradual descent into poor mental health because of all the traumatic events he goes through (@ story 1). My most recent skit arc is supposed to be Duke hitting rock bottom. Every other skit led to that moment. 

I'm not sure if I made it that obvious, so I'll state it now: 

I've been interested in Duke. Duke's trauma and past. Duke's possible PTSD/C-PTSD. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. It just seems so obvious to me that he has it. I know I have to rewrite a lot of shit though. And I don't just mean after Taurel tortured Duke, I mean I see Duke having been traumatized way before that. And I know not everyone who has gone through trauma gets that mental illness; it's just that I can easily see Fierdan and Duke having it. 

Duke. Yeah, I do this boy so wrong. So, so wrong. (*smh* me) 

I'm going to talk all about my newest skit. Got that? Ok. 

-x-x-x- 

I know I wrote the skit very unrealistically. I know something like that can't and won't happen in a first therapy session. Ok, I know. 

(I know I made you guys hate me again, just let me explain the skit..) 

Every time I imagine Duke (after story 1) going to real therapy, I just see him behaving like.. how I wrote him in the skit. 

As in: 

• What Duke says will make even a well-experienced mental health professional clueless on how to help Duke. And a little scared of him. (I know that's probably unrealistic, but Duke's past experiences are pretty hard for a stranger to believe and not be a little haunted by, so.. yeah idk.)
• Duke would swear a lot. Especially when he talks about subjects that are far more than simply uncomfortable. Duke says "fuck" in little to no time after meeting someone like a therapist. He either doesn't care if he says profanities, or he can't help it. Maybe it's both. 
• Unlike probably any other person, I imagine Duke being like, "ah, fuck it!" and talking about the heavy and dark shit of his past. Because Duke doesn't care. He just wants to talk about that.. stuff. Because he's held it in for so long. And I want to make Duke be very impulsive, so maybe Duke goes into talking about his past in detail without fully intending to. 
• I can see him almost immediately going into detail about his past of self-harm, suicide, abuse/torture, and alcohol consumption. Which, I know, is extremely unrealistic. But come on now, it's Duke. Is there anything realistic about him? He can't be entirely relatable, I'm sorry, but that's impossible. But at the same time, Duke is also vague about all that. Like yeah, he mentions those things, but he's also vague about them. (yeah idk how to phrase things)

-x-x-x- 

My body feels terrible now. Wtf. 

I might have to make another post about this. 

Sorry. 

-x-x-x- 

When I think about Chapter 27, all I can think is: 

"Wow, that was so fucked up!" 

For a pretty long time now, I've been thinking about what little six nine year old Duke did in the bathroom as being a suicide attempt. Like ok.. Duke cuts into his skin that's above his heart. He was so upset and desperate to hurt himself, so he probably wanted to die then too. And like, fuck, he has to be a little kid during all this. He's a small kid. He used to be so small that it's cute and concerning. I mean.. living with his parents.. what do you honestly expect? And like.. he forces the object he's using to go further into his skin so that he bleeds more. Duke wanted to cut into his heart; he didn't really care about how much blood he was losing. 

Just thinking about Duke (as a little kid!) doing that makes me shaky and scared. It's so fucked up, omg. 

-x-x-x- 

(Gonna skip to when Duke talks more about suicide. What a cheerful topic! God!) 

I want to highlight parts from these two skits from November 2017: 

&

Duke: *sighs and replies to Brock* For the last time, yes. Several times.
Brock: *stares at Duke even though only he can only see Duke's back* Then how are you even alive?
Duke: *with emotionless voice?* I don't know.
Brock: But with what happened, then surely those options couldn't have failed?
Duke: They all failed.
Brock: How many times did you.. umm.. try?
Finny: *looks at Brock and coughs* Stop asking him so many invasive questions. Duke is already having a bad day without you wanting to know the details about that time of his life.


Brock: I just wanted to know how you attempt--
Finny: Why do you care so much about that? It doesn't concern you, and I don't want to know how you found out about it because I know Duke didn't explicitly tell you any details.
Brock: I'm curious, that's all. 
Finny: If you're that interested in dying, then get help or something.

......

Yeah, isn't it obvious? (lol) 

Brock was asking Duke about his suicide attempts. Not sure why he would in the first place, but he does. Damn it, Brock was so invasive. Who the hell asks that? Ugh, what were you doing, Brock?! 

Me, thinking about Duke: wow, this is one suicidal boy! (ow..) 

And so in my new skit, I decided on the number being between five and seven. 

("several times" ummmmmm)

Duke just can't hecking die. Dang.. 

He always has an internal struggle of whether he wants to live or die. Well, during the time story 1 takes place in. I think before all that, Duke was leaning more towards "wanting to die". And hey, he doesn't really care whether he lives or dies. All his life he's had the message of "you're better off dead" drilled into his head. During the story, the intensity of that statement goes into a whole other degree (thanks, fierdan and taurel!). 

Geez, this is one sad and tragic character. Yikes. 

......

I never really planned on how Duke specifically tried to kill himself all those times. I only thought about him trying to more than once or twice. And that Duke isn't afraid of suicide and death unlike most other people, including Fierdan. 

This line, "Duke: One time, I tried to slice my arms open. That was the most painful thing I ever did to myself, I swear." is in reference to something I drew. 


Yeah.. heh. 

(my bad art tho) 

-x-x-x- 

I really hope I'm not romanticizing these topics. I didn't mean to. 

I just imagine Duke talking about these topics like.. that. Like how I wrote the skit. 

Cursed? Probably. 

-x-x-x- 

Fierdan in a December 2017 skit: 

Fierdan: I hate having to be treated in a certain way. I hate this; I hate that. I just want to be treated like any other person. But I can't because I'm not normal! I don't want to be treated as if I'm fragile, as if something's wrong with me, but I get it, okay? I am fragile, and there is a long list of things that are wrong with me.



Duke in the newest skit: 

Duke: *frowns* Don't treat me like I'm fragile all of a sudden. I'm the same person as I was before.

Ahh, it's a Fierdan-Duke parallel! Ooh! 

-x-x-x- 

Sorry, guys, I can't continue anymore. 

I have to work on something, anyway. 

I don't have enough energy to talk about the content I didn't mention yet.. and do my thing for class. 

My body hurts a little too. And there's this smell I can't stand. But I don't want to leave my dorm room. 

So anyway.. yeah. I'll make a part 2 later when I feel like it. 

This post already seems pretty long. Maybe cutting it into two posts is a good thing. 

(ok yeah sure..)


Monday, December 10, 2018

new skit doodles :) {not,dark,content,this,time}

I quickly doodled some parts from the new skit story thing that I wanted to draw. 

I'm not going to fix them. I'm just leaving them as they are. 

Whew, that last part though. Reading it over actually did hurt me. Geez. :(

So, haha, have this simple post to make up for it. (My own stupid writing hurt me, what the heck--)

hhhhhh mmfhghfgh 

owo

~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Explain Yourself at the Help" skit drawings 1

Opening scene where Duke is supposed to appear happy to be useful because he has the pile of papers for Fierdan. 

And the scene where Fierdan is holding a glass of wine. (I imagine his eyes sparkling and looking mischievous during the entire wine scene.)

Can't read what I wrote on the bottom? It says:

not gonna draw anything else from them 
✌️bye~ 

(but I drew the other hand)

*ahem* Duke before becoming a tragic disaster be like. He was happy in the beginning. I imagine him with his hair looking all neat and that he's in a casual dress shirt. I also drew him in a nice pair of shoes. He's being a good worker and helper to Fierdan. :) 

I'm not drawing any other scenes because these three skits.. yeah, I don't want to ruin the feelings in them with my dumb and silly art. (ahahaha-)

They're not even @ 'Help' in skit 1. Oh well. I'm not going to draw them @ 'Help', 'k.

... please read what I wrote before skit 3 if you haven't. I'm fine if you can only read that part and not the skit.

^-^" 

I'll write a skit + story analysis post. about these three skits as well as other skits. and the story. and maybe an older art piece of mine too. 

But for now? Well.. 

bye~~